Lump it all up and give it a hug.
Let me begin by apologizing for lumping four days into one, but let me go ahead and offer an excuse for myself which is: It’s been a little hectic in my life. Sometimes, it takes a few days to muster up the courage to write about that with honesty and grace.
That said, I feel better doing it now that I’ve mashed it all together into 4 slumpy (ish) days that I’m ready and willing to completely toss out le door (if only it were so easy!). If I put four days into 8 words, it’d shake out like so:
Uncertainty brings out the absolute worst in me.
To be specific, when I am in doubt or in fear or just plain worried, my compulsions, my insecurities and all of my old school bad habits come roaring up out of bed like hellcats on Harley Davidsons and it’s not pretty, in case you were wondering. I read a blog posted from this former OCD sufferer and it rang pretty close to true for me (though I’m not a check the locks, the switches or the coffee pot kind of OCD). Because he and I are not suffering from the same compulsion practices, it took a moment for me to find the common denominator connection between us and the takeaway, applicable message for me? For those of us who struggle with uncertainty, the method for treatment is in learning to sit with the discomfort of uncertainty. Learning to embrace uncertainty and sit still with doubt and fear is where the ground comes flinging back into the room. As much as I’d like to say I’ve been practicing that, it ain’t true.
Today, at the end of four days of stressful ups and downs, I’m going to put a bit of that work into practice. And sit with my uncertainty. And be still with my worry, my doubt and my fear. When caught up in a cycle of worry, it’s interesting that we don’t stop and ask ourselves practically and realistically: What’s the worst possible thing that could happen? We don’t try to expose the fear for what it is-overblown, overimaginative, overthinking. Instead, I at least, tend to cower in doubt.
I suggest for myself more patient embracing. I encourage in myself making friends with my big fears. But first-I had to lump it up, look at it in my rearview a bit and hope that, in the present, I could be brave enough to stare in the face the monsters I’m hiding from.
Wish me luck.
~M
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