Here I am.
I’ve struggled my entire life to strike a balance between being a productivity master and having FUN. It’s possible to do both, but not always at the same time. It’s possible to do both, but not always while raising your little baby, full time.
I have days when I fire up for productivity. I’m wound up into my lists and running wild with my swiffer and my laptop. Then, there are days that I throw all action to the wind and get down on the carpet with my wild thang child for hours. We bee bop all over, sing songs, hit up the playground and I don’t get shit done.
There’s no doing them both at once, so I am learning to be okay with a day to day sacrifice of one over the other. I try to focus on overall balance and realize that in my life as a stay at home mom, I have to manage both the play and love and hugs, as well as the domestic responsibilities. None of this includes my own creative expression and inspiration.
Which brings to me a final point:
In the past four months, I have TRULY learned that there is only so much personal energy to go around. I cannot BE everything. I cannot HAVE everything. I have to make choices about how to use and spend my energy, and I have to make those choices wisely and willingly. I have to stand behind them. And make peace with what is ultimately sacrificed: A piece/pieces of my former life. This is my personal work. Now, is my current life.
This doesn’t mean that I am forgetting about myself or throwing my needs to the wind. In fact, believe it or not, it’s quite the opposite. I’m learning to truly live into “what is.” I have learned to respect the choice to be with my child 99.9% of my time. I now know what that means. And it doesn’t mean naps, rest time and loads of ME. No, I don’t only identify with myself as a mother, but right now, that’s mostly what I’m up to, so I choose not to resist it, feel bad about it or tell myself that I ought to have more interesting things to talk about than my life raising my child.
In fact, I’m still doing regular, everybody human, life work: Learning to strike balance. Developing deeper self-acceptance. Appreciating the tedious work and respecting my choices, because I MADE THEM.
Ultimately, I have realized that I am exactly the kind of person I want raising my child. I am right where I belong.
Peas and carrots,
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