Here I am.

I’ve struggled my entire life to strike a balance between being a productivity master and having FUN. It’s possible to do both, but not always at the same time. It’s possible to do both, but not always while raising your little baby, full time.

I have days when I fire up for productivity. I’m wound up into my lists and running wild with my swiffer and my laptop. Then, there are days that I throw all action to the wind and get down on the carpet with my wild thang child for hours. We bee bop all over, sing songs, hit up the playground and I don’t get shit done.

There’s no doing them both at once, so I am learning to be okay with a day to day sacrifice of one over the other. I try to focus on overall balance and realize that in my life as a stay at home mom, I have to manage both the play and love and hugs, as well as the domestic responsibilities. None of this includes my own creative expression and inspiration.

Which brings to me a final point:

In the past four months, I have TRULY learned that there is only so much personal energy to go around. I cannot BE everything. I cannot HAVE everything. I have to make choices about how to use and spend my energy, and I have to make those choices wisely and willingly. I have to stand behind them. And make peace with what is ultimately sacrificed: A piece/pieces of my former life. This is my personal work. Now, is my current life.

This doesn’t mean that I am forgetting about myself or throwing my needs to the wind. In fact, believe it or not, it’s quite the opposite. I’m learning to truly live into “what is.” I have learned to respect the choice to be with my child 99.9% of my time. I now know what that means. And it doesn’t mean naps, rest time and loads of ME. No, I don’t only identify with myself as a mother, but right now, that’s mostly what I’m up to, so I choose not to resist it, feel bad about it or tell myself that I ought to have more interesting things to talk about than my life raising my child.

In fact, I’m still doing regular, everybody human, life work: Learning to strike balance. Developing deeper self-acceptance. Appreciating the tedious work and respecting my choices, because I MADE THEM.

Ultimately, I have realized that I am exactly the kind of person I want raising my child. I am right where I belong.

Peas and carrots,

~M

Monday.

Just a few small nuggets from today:

Napping when the baby naps is SO SMART. Did it twice today (well, we napped together) and it saved my liiiiiiife.

It is okay to be the blob. Not all the time. Not most of the time. But some of the time. Especially when you are me and you are a leetle bit raggedy.

When the tire pops on your stroller and you’ve got no way to head out for the steamy walk you’ve been waiting for? GO BE THE BLOB AND NAP WITH THE BABY. So smart.

Hello, Monday.

Worked for me,

~M

Wonky.

It is a particularly bananas time in our house and I am having to remember to BREATHE. Truthfully, having a child makes it a lot easier to remember stuff like breathing and finding your chi, since no 9 month old I know responds well to “dragging” and “overwhelmed.” In fact, they don’t speak-a that kind of language.

While I lately imagine myself crawling underneath the covers and staying there for hours on end, life looks up at me through the eyes of my little monkey and says:

JUST SHOW UP AND KEEP BREATHING, MAMA.

I can do that. Phew! Stay tuned…

~M

Ooh, super pooped after a wonderful weekend spent celebrating my darling friend’s wedding. I love LOVE.

Off to snooze,

~M

While I haven’t been feeling 100% this week, I have managed to find night sleep again. ALSO: My kid is 9 months old and, while I’ve loved every age, so far, THIS ONE IS SO STINKING FUN.

I feel supreme and utter gratitude for the chance to spend SO MUCH time with him. He lights up my entire life. Even when I’m less than fabulous. Gah. I DO LOVE MY LIFE.

<3,

~M

Ding.

A friend posted this today:

Let it go! Quit rehashing, replaying & revisiting. It’s not bothering them as you suffer & get upset. Forgive & release. #lifestooshort

The message struck me, and I decided to take it to heart. I thought about a relationship that ended poorly over a year ago, and how I still struggle to “find peace” with the situation and the loss. I thought about the cost of my not letting go-how uncomfortable and painful it is to continually relive suffering ON PURPOSE.

Later, in yoga, I finally understood, like, deeply and truly UNDERSTOOD what it means to accept each person who comes into my life as a lesson. That every relationship is a teacher. And I am a student.

I think I can finally see that my “struggle” person reveals to me how stuck and unforgiving I can be. She shows me how intolerant I am. Our relationship was and is a window onto my shameful places: The way I hide to maintain control and the way I’ll ignore my gut, my conscience and my own needs to ensure that I am likeable. In the end, I can see that I don’t always truly feel that good about myself. And she, like a bolt of lightening into my foggy life, offers me the gift of awareness onto that painful, but very real fact.

Rather than huff and puff and continue to carry on in distress about a relationship that is over, I can see the truth pretty clearly: Here is a chance to learn. To grow. Let go. Find peace. Forgiveness. And more tenderness, kindness and compassion for myself.

Damn lightbulbs are everywhere, these days.

~M

Dry Spell.

Ruh-roh. I finally “missed” a day of posting. I knew it would happen. I should have known it’d be someday sooner than later. Especially since I fell flat asleep last night, with the light on, before the wild and crazy hour of 9 pm.

I’ll be honest. I just totally forgot to write. In fact, I didn’t even realize that I hadn’t written until about midday today, while weaving my way through the grocery store. One minute, I was picking out sandwich buns and the next minute, I’m lightbulbing all over the place, like, DUH! I never wrote my blog yesterday (fuck-fuck-fuck)!

I will apologize, but not because I feel bad about missing a day of writing. Rather, I want to apologize because I’ve made a commitment and I think it’s important to hold myself accountable. THAT SAID: I think I really, REALLY needed a personal day off from writing. Otherwise, I would have remembered. I would have splashed a quote onto the page. I would have shot up out of bed. I would have done something, but I didn’t. Instead? I SLEPT, DAMMIT. And it was beautiful.

It’s an exciting and bold commitment, sitting down to write publicly, EVERY DAY. It’s also sometimes more romantic sounding than it is. Like training for a marathon, there are days when my writing legs are tired and do NOT want to be exercised. There are days when I’d rather sleep than wake up and get back on it. There are weeks when I’m so wrapped up in my life, that I can’t see through the clouds to have any perspective on it, other than: WTF IS HAPPENING?!

These are those days, this is that week.

But I’m not worried. My choice is to look at this valley in creative stimulation and motivation as just “a part of the process,” and a tedious side effect of doing anything, ALL THE TIME. I’ll be inspired again. Maybe just not today (Or, yesterday. Oops)?

In some places, they call this phase I’m in: Accepting What Is. In other words, I’m not going to fight the flow. That, my dearies, is creative suicide. And with 7 months to go, I have a lot of life left to live up in here.

Bare with me?

~M

Night light.

Lately, I’m noticing that I don’t have the EVERY DAY energy, time and space to give to mydailypresent.com.

Maybe this will shift. But now, with whatever we’ve got going on (which is always a combination of something with a 9 month old!), I find that I get to the end of the day, and I want to chatter with my husband, shower or zone out, completely.

During the day, I savor my child’s few naps and use them to do some yoga or a personal pilates class, clean up, do laundry or “get shit done.” I wish I could block out those precious moments for my writing, but right now, I need other things.

I’m okay with this. I’m still going to show up here every day, as I’ve committed to doing. But I may not always have so much to say. I want to free myself from feeling like this has to look the way it did when I began. Since, the reality is:

I’m adapting to my life at every moment. And THIS keeps me present.

I’m not leaving or deserting us. I’m not checking out or throwing in the towel, I’m just saying:

See you tomorrow.

~M

Nugget love.

Happy Mother’s Day

Motherhood is inspiring business. Hard work. The best stuff ever. EVA.

Today, I’m present to being grateful for the chance to know my child. I’m so often caught up in the business of “mothering,” that I rarely remember to stop and see him becoming this totally cool, super fun, obviously brilliant, beyond exciting person.

Love it,

~M

My buddy.

I can’t believe I was anything before I was this guy’s mom. Though I’m many things, I’m his mom FIRST. Lucky gal.

<3,

~M